Even things like failure, sickness, uncertainty, and loss are often used by God to bring beautiful things into our lives and ultimately bring us closer to Him.
We had just come out of a tough year losing my grandfather, my husband's grandfather, and our close friend's 10-year-old daughter all within 6 months. Was I SURE I was ready to embrace what came my way? My dad was suddenly sick in the hospital on a roller coaster of days and no real answers. Yes, things were looking up, but what if they started to look down? Was I REALLY ready to embrace those things? Ultimately, to trust God and His plan? The truth was, I didn't know. Hard times are scary and can make us feel unsure about God's plan. But, what I did know is that those things were out of my control. Like it or not, if bad things were coming my way, I couldn't stop them, but I did have a choice. I could lean into God and embrace Him during those tough times, or I could try and do things on my own.
When I ended that post, I wanted to remember that I am working on God's plan and not mine.
While I have beautiful aspirations, I have no idea where it (this new series) will take me or if the hopes I have for it will pan out. Certainly if God has some completely different path to take me on and asks me to take a sharp left, I have learned to be open to it. I know in the midst of it, He will certainly show me beauty, so I hope you'll be excited to join me and maybe even start your own journey of learning to embrace life as it unfolds.
I would certainly call my Dad dying a sharp left. Even the doctors in the hospital were expecting him to be home in about a week. My Dad, though, had lots of one-liners to remind people that our days are numbered. "None of us are guaranteed tomorrow." "The Big Man Upstairs knows when our last day will be." "We all have a day." All the lines he would say to show that even my dad, a person who loved routine and knowing what would come next, knew that he didn't have control over everything.
So, here we are. My mother on her own for the first time in her adult life, and me, without my Daddy. And it is HARD. Some days, it is punch you in the gut hard. Stay in bed hard. Cry in the closet hard. Sob in the shower hard. And other days, it is just a numb feeling that sits with you as you try to process in your heart what your head has reminded you over and over again is true.
As a person who documents everyday life through a camera, sometimes that is a piece of my processing and healing when things are hard. It's much like getting my feelings out and on paper; it's something I feel like I can do to keep moving forward. So, if my camera is present, and life is happening, which happens even in the midst of loss and heartbreak, I think to shoot. So while I was with my mom after my dad passed, I did just that.
I shot details that reminded me of the little things of my Dad. His wallet collection that started again with my kids' pictures and how I had a new one in my wallet for the next time I saw him. The coffee mug he used since I was a little girl, everyday, without fail. The pictures on the coffee table of he and I from when I was a young adult. His golf ball collection. The calendar on the fridge to mark his last moment on earth ...
I shot my mom a lot. I shot her most often with my daughter, her "sweet distraction", as she referred to her. Trying to be present with her, while simultaneously trying to slowly trudge through grief.
I shot her with her sister and her brother and a friend from down the street.
I shot the things we did in our three weeks that made us smile as we cried.
And I shot the Party of 3 service that was exactly what my dad asked for.
Hard times suck, and in particular death sucks. I wish I had words of wisdom to share that would somehow ease the sting, but I don't. I could give you beautiful verses that God gives us that tell you how there is a promise of better things and a plan that is good, but here on Earth, it is just hard. It's that simple.
So, I'll leave you with this. Even in the REALLY HARD times, even when I'm desperately wondering if God is with me, He has shown himself over. and over. and over again. He has reminded me that He is certainly with me. He sees me and hears me and has gone ahead of me. He reminds me that He makes all the bad things beautiful, even if I have to wait until I get to Heaven to truly see that. And so. I have learned to embrace God in all the times. To trust Him and His plan. It doesn't mean I like it when the hard things come; it means I am learning to accept them and see where God is taking me in them. I hope you can learn along with me.
Until next time,
When I ended that post, I wanted to remember that I am working on God's plan and not mine.
While I have beautiful aspirations, I have no idea where it (this new series) will take me or if the hopes I have for it will pan out. Certainly if God has some completely different path to take me on and asks me to take a sharp left, I have learned to be open to it. I know in the midst of it, He will certainly show me beauty, so I hope you'll be excited to join me and maybe even start your own journey of learning to embrace life as it unfolds.
I would certainly call my Dad dying a sharp left. Even the doctors in the hospital were expecting him to be home in about a week. My Dad, though, had lots of one-liners to remind people that our days are numbered. "None of us are guaranteed tomorrow." "The Big Man Upstairs knows when our last day will be." "We all have a day." All the lines he would say to show that even my dad, a person who loved routine and knowing what would come next, knew that he didn't have control over everything.
So, here we are. My mother on her own for the first time in her adult life, and me, without my Daddy. And it is HARD. Some days, it is punch you in the gut hard. Stay in bed hard. Cry in the closet hard. Sob in the shower hard. And other days, it is just a numb feeling that sits with you as you try to process in your heart what your head has reminded you over and over again is true.
As a person who documents everyday life through a camera, sometimes that is a piece of my processing and healing when things are hard. It's much like getting my feelings out and on paper; it's something I feel like I can do to keep moving forward. So, if my camera is present, and life is happening, which happens even in the midst of loss and heartbreak, I think to shoot. So while I was with my mom after my dad passed, I did just that.
I shot details that reminded me of the little things of my Dad. His wallet collection that started again with my kids' pictures and how I had a new one in my wallet for the next time I saw him. The coffee mug he used since I was a little girl, everyday, without fail. The pictures on the coffee table of he and I from when I was a young adult. His golf ball collection. The calendar on the fridge to mark his last moment on earth ...
I shot her with her sister and her brother and a friend from down the street.
I shot the things we did in our three weeks that made us smile as we cried.
And I shot the Party of 3 service that was exactly what my dad asked for.
Hard times suck, and in particular death sucks. I wish I had words of wisdom to share that would somehow ease the sting, but I don't. I could give you beautiful verses that God gives us that tell you how there is a promise of better things and a plan that is good, but here on Earth, it is just hard. It's that simple.
So, I'll leave you with this. Even in the REALLY HARD times, even when I'm desperately wondering if God is with me, He has shown himself over. and over. and over again. He has reminded me that He is certainly with me. He sees me and hears me and has gone ahead of me. He reminds me that He makes all the bad things beautiful, even if I have to wait until I get to Heaven to truly see that. And so. I have learned to embrace God in all the times. To trust Him and His plan. It doesn't mean I like it when the hard things come; it means I am learning to accept them and see where God is taking me in them. I hope you can learn along with me.
Until next time,